THIS IS HOW I FEEL TODAY!!!

THIS IS JUST A START

 I want you to know my mind is shot...... I have a TBI and I can't control it and the headaches are too much for me to handle, and I can't get any assistance in this state I live in the government been nothing but ASSHOLES to me, and I should have been a millionaire by now with the injuries I have, from work place incident from 5 years ago when I had that concussion. But I can't get a God damn dime from them or my gov and I can't work anymore so they take away even more benefits. It's been so cold here all week and I'm living in the truck with my 2 cats ( were my emotional support animals but I can't keep them, I almost hurt them today) and because I won't part with my cats they refuse to let me stay at ANY of the homeless shelters in town. I broke down and my truck also now has no brakes, it's all junk and not worth fixing. It's been below zero So I went to a motel and over drafted my checking account over$500 and now I have no cash, it's freezing and the truck is on empty.

I've already wanted to die, so now with my TBI (traumatic brain injury) I'm not what people could call stable. I'm dangerous now and with these TBIs I was researching - there's no coming back. Plus the trouble dealing with ANYONE, the anger and frustration of not being treated.. . not fairly or even treated at the hospitals with many different doctors now, even getting booted out of the emergency room when I received another concussion on top of this one, last year, when I got assaulted at a men's homeless shelter last year, they refused to let me stay even though I was dizzy and could hardly see, they said get out! You're just looking for a warm place to lay for awhile because it's cold out once they found out that I was "homeless" ... it's sickening what these assholes do, and this is the reason I'm homeless, it's not because I chose to.

Some guys (5) in huge online model builders community of thousands of so-called caring and supporting members yet, because I am homeless, the majority has decided to unfollow me and or just ignore me and my cry. I'm fucked up in the brain and so I can't control my disbelief and disappointment in the whole damn lot of them to: they all know I've been asking for help for a LONG TIME and still, only ONE guy has stepped up and made a special video, just for me,,, to try getting others to step up with compassion on me - it worked for 5 others who have chipped in a litte money to my PayPal account. One other guy said he wanted to help but not using PayPal and got me to download and set up a "cash app" app to my phone so he could donate a little to. Kept saying he was going to the next day, and then over a week since he said told me he would still nothing, so I know that was all just big talk to. I feel horrible because I'm such a lousy horable piece of shit and I HATE asking ANYONE for ANYTHING, ever, I'll do what I can on my own without it rather than ask for help, my mom told me that 40 years ago to me already when I was real young. She said I'm always helping my friends with something, like car repairs when I got a little older to but she never saw a friend around when I was doing the same thing for myself - where's your friends you helped before she's asked me because I was struggling or bitching swearing at my car. Then I'd start kicking my car or smashing shit on it because I had anger issues back then already. Last year about this time a nero Phycologist diagnosed me with Autism, and said I miss miss diagnoses when i started school 1st grade I was labeled "retarded" with a Learning Disability (LD) and was in LD all thru school till I graduated 12th grade still labeled retarded. She said the 3 hour test with her, proved I do not have an LD, but rather smart, she told me, and my memory was actually better than average, for my age of 52.... and my cognitive skills or mechanical type stuff, I'm "OFF THE CHARTS" is exactly how she put it (when I was back with her after the test for the results) and it surprised me, but I asked, " what does that mean?" She looked at her computer again and said, "Let's just say this; You tested in the 95th percentile, , , OF your peers". After asking what that meant, she told me that anyone and everyone who's ever taken the (IQ) test!

I said "you mean like doctors & lawyers?" and she told me yes, or scientists and engineers, EVERYone who's taken this test, and this test was the standardized test that they normally make everyone take. She told that should make you feel pretty good!!! 

And it did for about 3 days then I got even more depressed than I think I've ever felt about myself, as I'm at work pushing my mop, working my highschool janitor job. Then the depression turned into anger against this State even the more! They refused me EVERYTHING, and yet garnished my tiny wages at 20% for years to pay some fucked up bullshit three different countries made up! One was for for a BS dunk driving case that I won in court and the judge said I was free to go, but that court said I still needed to pay the fine/forfeiture and didn't say anything for 14 years while they added about $37 a month for interest, (like assholes) adding adding $7,000 and then after never telling me then sent it in to the state IRS to garnish my wages along with the two who also took about the same amounts. They garnished me all during the Covid pandemic to, because I had to work - being a security officer I considered a first responder! Their letter my my company informed me that I wasn't allowed to "choose to stay at home" and collect unemployment. EVERYONE who DID refuse to work and stayed home got EXTRA money besides the regular benefits! I couldn't get ANY because I was working! Plus, the meat processing plant where my company had me stationed at, gave ALL their employees up to $3 an hour extra per hour just for incentives to show up! But not me or the other guards because we worked for our own company and they told us if we want anything extra per hour it would have to come through them. Our company refused to give any of us extra. 

I didn't get my taxes filed because I was going back to college for Marketing plus volunteered to be my uncle's live-in 24 hour care giver because he was going to die of lung cancer (caused by Marlboro) and it ended up taking over 11 months for him to die. So, the following year when the BS made-made virus pandemic hit, and everyone got PAID some BS "stimulus" money, I couldn't get mine! And the next or next or ANY of the other Covid relief funds they kept giving everyone else. Nothing not a dime yet! So I'm just adding that to my grief of not being able to purchase that house I found with the HUGE garage & shop including a car lift even, plus a beautiful old hardware store in the front that I wanted to turn into my Hobby Shop/ Art Gallery that I've been wanting to have for over 20 years plus the shop in the back would have been perfect for me to also go back to being self employed and buy and sell REAL classic cars, and a place to work on them, restore & custom build old hot-rods and trucks to, including big Rig semi trucks - as the shop was big enough since their was one of the doors big enough to drive them in. The old man who lived there who went to a nursing home was a truck driver and I seen pictures of his own semi tractor there in old photos.

I had an accepted offer of $73,000 and just the land, being an acre of flat buildable flat land all in the rear was worth over $300,000!

 So I have the neck pain that is getting worse and worse - the result of whiplash from the concussion incidents - recently again finally got a doctor to order an MRI , (that the insurance wasn't going to cover at first, but had to argue that to) and it got read by a different doctor (because the one who ordered it left the clinic/hospital network - mysteriously, said i have horable cervical stinosous, messed up vertebrate and it's pinching my spinal cord: need surgery asap she said! I was just starting a new job, lost it now, because I had to see a specialist and even though I was already hired, could not wait two weeks for me. So now back to being jobless again. With absolutely no income and no reserves and of course no benefits not even EMERGENCY FUNDS that any other fucking American would get, or illegal alien!

Then when I see this specialist about the options they called the appointment a consultation - figured the best thing to do, she lies to my face.

I told her about last week when I was having another one of these extremely high urgency need to pee episodes, and I was trying to keep from pissing my pants when I got to the downtown library, still in the truck, and did this this: i yanked my head back over to the left and it "cracked" and hurt like it always does when it gets stuck to the right,,, and i shook it around a little, and INSTANTLY just like that within a second i didn't have to pee anymore!, just like that I was "perfectly comfortable", for a long awhile I sat there, while I closed my eyes, I felt like I was drifting on a cloud of cotton. Well that's made them decide to bring me in and "finally look:at it" at least. This specialist looks at me, and said oh no! Have you been able to go pee since then? Well of course! I said. Oh good and she ignored the ENTIRE THING like it had NOTHING TO DO WITH MY NECK! When I mentioned it was because my spinal cord was being pinched!!! She told me "No, that's impossible" and changed the subject entirely!  

I think I'm backed up in the number 2 department and dehydrated to cause I haven't been able to go much and when I did it was so hard and had to push as hard as I could everytime. It doesn't help I can't poop in the truck, and either have to hold it till morning or/and drive around trying to find a place to go in the middle of the night.

And this doctor sat down and pulled up my MRI exray scans on her computer screen - first time for me seeing the PICTURES, and said it "isn't that bad" (and even SHE refused to touch & FEEL it or even look at the back of my head!!!!!! She told me they only look at the sides anyway....... (I'm sick of being lied to!) I SAW IT THAT DAY on her computer! But "we can't spend any more time looking at it, my appointments are very limited in time!" she said to me. She was also very very rude, right from the start! 

I said I have pain in fingers my hands and arms,.... "I only deal with the neck! One thing at a time!"

Well I happen to know for a fact that my spinal cord is being pinched - the first doctor told me! AND I could see it plain as day is light on that MRI scan - she said ' it's only touching not pinching, and I don't see any damage to the spinal cord, if there was damage to it, THEN it will cause the nerve pain you're having!"

I've had with this HIDING SHIT that's wrong with me so they can ignore it! She just wants me to go to physical therapy, not even a chiropractor. My bones are twisted and I saw it!!!

If I was ANYONE ELSE holy shit i wouldn't be living in a 20 year old piece of crap broke down truck with no assistance from anyplace and denied disability, SSI, unemployment or any of the other numerous funding organizations either. 

I had to stay at the motel until yesterday when I ran out of money, because seriously I don't feel good, besides the headaches & neck, im sick with something and it's making me very nauseous dizzy and that DOCTOR LIED to face! I might be crazy but I'm NOT stupid and she should resign from that hospital. She lied or she's uneducated - now would I to do about THAT? 

She said there's no way to prove my neck got damaged from that incident at the landmark when I was working, and that means workers comp won't be able to "pay" for BETTER TREATMENT. I know what she's trying to do and I don't like it. Now what about payments? That's going to make everything about "my case" even harder to deal with and WIN. They don't want me to win! You know why? Because it's "stated" and noted somewhere in their system that I want to sue them, sue the ER department especially for last year when i hsd the EMERGENCY ( when I got assaulted at Saint Johns) that the DOCTOR TOLD ME to go there with, and they KICKED ME OUT (paperwork says one hour) and that report they wrote up i read LIES multiple times, and even with my symptoms of ANOTHER bad concussion AND the DOCTOR from the clinic CONFIRMING I am experiencing another concussion and to go the emergency hospital immediately. No, I said I heard them talking about me, even after they closed the glass doors and walk over to their counter I could still hear everything they said, " He's homeless - He's just looking for a warm bed and place to hang out for the day. I can look up what the temperature was that day easily on the net. It was below zero. They knew my neck got messed up more in that struggle fighting that guy off me plus the repeated blows to the back of my head with closed fists...

I know they know because I told them many times, and even ombuds and up the ladder, and AGAIN when I seen this new "specialist" doctor yesterday who's trying to cover it up!  

Now I'm over $500 in the hole with the credit union and a truck that needs the entire brake system replaced, on a truck that's not even been worth the money to buy new wiper blades, seriously, plus all the ball joints in it, the axle shaft is clunking needs replaced, my steering shaft is still flopping around ready to let go any day, plus a drivers door that actually opens and closes, plus the transmission is starting to go, engine needs work and is very loud to, plus the muffler is rotted away with no tail pipe and more... and it's all sitting on 4 balding tires. I didn't even start my new job because they wanted to know what they were going to do with NECK, saying they can't have me working there like that.

I don't understand why anyone at these resource places can't help me get my disability benefits. They can't spend some time with me, and call them bastards at the disability determination office and get this solved, nope!

Here I use to be able to use every mathematical equation and knew calculus to design BRIDGES, overhead CRANES that can lift and cary 20 ton or more,,, I designed military truck chassis/frames and more, super high speed packaging machines even awarded a Patent for my "concept" , and now with this TBI i have trouble trying to do simple addition and subtraction.

And yet I can't control my anger any longer and my head hurts so bad as does my fingers hands arms shoulders neck back hips knees and feet, ESPECIALLY when it gets extremely cold. Do you know what it's like to be living in a tight-packed vehicle in the DEAD of winter when temps reach below zero, night after night, year after year because you cannot receive what you were entitled to all along anyway? No I'm not human and I don't have rights like humans do, not that I'm really asking ya, I'm just asking to drop your imagination into my shoes for a couple days that's why I asked. I'm just wondering.

I hate life now more than ever.

Green Bay and Brown county have absolutely no money or resources to help any of "forced to live with no home".

I WAS thinking of calling 911 again, but they never came around or did anything for me the last 2 times, so why again?

I got so much more I want to say (or talk about with you) but it's about how people with mental health issues no matter how small or great, and I'm so tired of all the MONEY these rich "people" and these mega foundations all talk about how they feel that their problems need to be made ",more aware". Awareness doesn't do one God damn fucking thing for any of us. But yet is all over and on the net all over to but not ONE DIME of the millions and millions of dollars the assholes ask for and get to help build their Bull Shit Awareness!

I even told the government about how I was treated as a kid to, and teen, and adult, with only one of the examples being how waushara county attempted murdering me because they HATED me out there when I bought that place when I still working as a mechanical designer engineer, those cops and sheriff caused me to loose my house back then to, right after they found out their attempted murder of me failed when I was missing and found after 3 days still alive, surviving below zero temperatures in the winter. I was found on my own property, partially buried under heavy parts and junk in an old shed in the back yard. They were really pissed then! That's when they took my house, crushed all my old classic cars, I think 7 of them, and changed the whole story that it was a suicide attempt! Now I think they are trying to brainwash me into doing it for for real, BECAUSE ITS ALL I CAN THINK OF DOING!

😞 So, incase you never hear from me again, it was them or me.

I gotta say it was good to know you, but God's calling me, for something, not sure what the fuck it is though. My brain won't work the right way anymore.

😑

Peace Out brothers & Sisters.